May #9

May #8

May #7

May #6: Brighton

May #5

May #4

May #3: British Museum

May #2

May

As you all know, I went to London in May, so all my pictures are of London. I have forgotten almost nothing about this trip. I will provide pictures which need no explanation.

April!

Apparently I didn't remember April because all the April pictures were on MB's computer. But I found out that we went to Lava Hot Springs.

We sat in the hot pools and took pictures of signs and ate at the Thai restaurant. I do remember that we had fun.

Forgotten dates: AWP Chicago

So I went to Chicago for AWP, and I thought maybe it was April, but it turned out it was February. I got to see these lovely people, the Erik/Erics.
And this awesome painting. (I can't remember who painted it, but I'm sure I wrote it down somewhere)
And I had more than one lovely meal with Lisa B, which is a coup in and of itself. I think this was the delicious vegetarian restaurant that Lisa scouted out with her super sleuth skills.
I'll try to figure out what happened in April. If anything.

Also Forgotten: March

I didn't forget most of this, but here's what I did: took Son to Phoenix for Spring Break where we went to the zoo with the cousins

And went rock hounding with Grandpa Jerry

This was lights off night, or whatever it was called, and we lit candles and played Blokus with Son.
One day we went to the Bird Refugee with Son. I had sort of forgotten this, but I remember it was fun.


I didn't forget this awesome chowdah, made with snook and bacon. I will make it again my friends!

My Year of Absences: January

Okay, I looked back at my blog from last year and apparently I did do some stuff in January, and from the sounds of the blog it was mostly watching TV, resuming teaching after the break, and some swimming.
But, also, there was a picture of a day I went skiing at Soldier Hollow when it was 10 degrees. You can revisit that post here.

My Year: A Post of Absences

I know that at this time of year we (and by "we" I mean people I know or am related to, but not actually me) make year-end lists of things we love or loathe and we look back at the year with fondness or skepticism. This year, I want to start MY year-end retrospective by noting that, recently, I had to fill out a form at a doctor's office. The last question required that I mark any "conditions which trouble me." One of them was "forgetfulness." What? Am I troubled by forgetfulness? Or, more aptly, am I human and over the age of twenty? Time was, I made fun of my mother (how could I be so cruel?) for not recalling where she parked the car. This, my friends, happens to me every time I go to Costco. I've been there so many times how could I possibly distinguish where I parked this time from where I parked last time. But seriously, does this "condition" cause me "trouble"?
So, this year, I will celebrate December 31 by providing you with a trail to things I have forgotten.
Apparently nothing happened in January, and I have no pictures to prove it.
In February, Son had a birthday. What did we do? Can't recall.
Oh yes, see, now I remember. Son wanted breakfast for dinner, so we had bacon, eggs and what look to me like frozen waffles. One memory recovered!

Christmas by the Numbers

Christmas movies watched: Two (Elf, Charlie Brown Christmas)
Meals cooked: Zero! (Christmas Eve at a friend's, Christmas brunch at a friend's, tamales from Victor's)
Movies watched on Christmas: Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince, G-Force
Good gifts bought for Middlebrow: 3 (whiskey glasses, Django Rheinhard CD, guitar book)
Gift for MB that was really for both of us: 1 (Mark Bittman's Kitchen Express)
Great gifts received: Many! (Running shirt from my sister, sweater from MB, gloves from Ross)
Cookies eaten: infinite! Too many! Make it stop!
Books read since school ended: Two? Age of Innocence & Year of the Flood.
Things to do between now & Jan 11: So many! I choose not to think about this now.

Book!

My book is available for pre-order on Amazon. I received The University of Alabama Press catalog today, which my book, and the other FC2 books appear in. Still says March.
I'm excited though!

Lessons: The Last List!

I'm pretty sure I've run out of wise things to say, but that won't prevent me from offering this fourth and final list.

1. Drink lots of water.
2. Hug people every day (preferably your family and friends, but strangers work too, if they are willing)
3. Go see live music. It is always fun.
4. Have coffee with friends, weekly. You DO have time, and it reminds you why your life is great.
5. Play games, whatever kind you like. I like cribbage, Settlers of Catan, Mastermind and any card game. Also: tennis.
6. Read things. Preferably (for me) novels, but also blogs and newspapers. And mysteries.
7. Breathe deeply.
8. Remember who you were and thank her for getting you to this point. Forgive her for the stupid things she did, for without the stupid things, you wouldn't be who you are.
   
9. Life is too short for envy.
10. Be generous to a fault.
11. Don't forget the past, but keep moving forward.

Here's hoping I learn some other new things in this next year.

10 More Lessons (whoosh! Almost done!)

1. You know, life is really, really, really short. It only seems long during the last week of classes.
2. Don't sweat the small stuff.
3. The small things are really important. This may seem to contradict #2, but what I mean is, just loving the feeling of your son's head gently resting on your arm: important. Getting mad at same son because his room is dirty or because he spilled water all over the floor: not important.
4. Some things CAN wait until tomorrow: grading papers, cleaning the bathroom, oh, other things.
5. Take time to run in the snow. Or hang out and drink coffee. Or sing really loud in your car. I mean, if you like it, do it. If you don't like it, you may still have to do it, because chances are it's your job.
6. Remember that no ONE thing is your life. Your life isn't your job or your relationships or where you live or what you do, but an amazing combination of all these things. So if one thing changes, you can handle it.
   
7. You should do situps. You really should.
   
8. Give and receive compliments. When someone compliments you, smile and say thank you. Surprisingly, this is often harder than giving compliments.
9. Stress relief is not optional. Find the thing that relieves the pressure and then make that thing a priority: running, Crossfit, writing, alone time. This is a necessity. It's right behind breathing and drinking water.
10. It's all about the people. At the end of the day, you can replace anything you bought, you can buy a new one, you can find a different meal/book/entertainment option. But without your peeps, friends, family, community, who cares? It's all about the people. I'm blessed to have such good ones. Thanks!
    

More Lessons from my 41st Year

Today, since it is exactly one week until my birthday, I will offer another ten lessons. These, I decided, will be about food, since that is one of my obsessions.

1. The things you love might not be good for you, but you can learn to love the things that ARE good for you (like spinach, kale, chard, peppers, etc.)
2. Always, always, always eat breakfast. Always.
   
3. Protein, protein, protein!
4. Lack of protein makes one a total bitch! And yes, by "one" I mean me.
5. Always, always, always carry snacks. Such as: precooked sausage, apple, almonds. Or: cheese stick, orange, cashews. Or: protein bar.
6. If you have healthy snacks in the house, you are more likely to eat healthy snacks. This also works with children. If you just give them the healthy snack, they will usually eat it.
7. Coffee is not optional.
8. Do not eat to live or live to eat. Somewhere in between is best.
   
9. Savor each bite. If it's not worth savoring, you probably shouldn't eat it.
10. A healthy attitude about food is a gift you give yourself and your children.

Birthday Lesson

A fellow blogger, whose birthday is today, made a list of things he's learned, one for each year. Well, I am older than him, so it's going to take me awhile to think of (gasp!) 41 things. So I thought, in the spirit of breaking things down into rounds, I'd start with ten and do a few lists in the week leading up to my birthday.
Ahem. To begin:

1. There are really very few people who are going to love you in spite of who you are, so when you find him, for god's sake, marry him (done!)
2. Savor each second, minute, hour, day with your child, because pretty soon he will grow up and it will be sooner than you think
   
3. Age is all in your mind (because as far as I'm concerned, I'm still 28)
4. The things that you think you shouldn't do or eat are not as good as you imagine them to be when you are denying yourself; Forget about them and move on
5. If you are not improving as you get older, something is wrong (and the benchmark for "improve" is all up to you)
6. Weightlifting is hard; writing a novel is harder
7. Keep trying new things
8. Fail. Fail better. Fail again.
9. What looks like failure is really just an opportunity to try a different way
10. You must do the one thing you think you cannot do (thanks Eleanor Roosevelt). Like: Crossfit or writing a novel.
    

Giving Thanks: An Abecediary

I stole this idea from Hightouchmegastore.

A...Apples. On which I have nearly subsisted lately.
B...Books. What would I be without them?
C...Crossfit. Enough said.
D...Dessert. Of all kinds.
E...Eggs. I eat so many of them. So often. I wish I could have chickens.
F...Friends & Family. I am blessed to have so many friends from various parts of my life: work, crossfit, writing, running. I especially miss my family at this time of year.
G...Glee. Yes, the TV show. Don't laugh.
H...husband. He's a prince among men. He does laundry, dishes and sort of makes dinner. And now he does crossfit, so he's pretty much perfect.
I...Iceland. Because it gave us my favorite mystery writer, Arnaldur Indridason.
J...Jerks. Without them, I wouldn't be able to feel superior.
K...kitchen. For cooking and baking and standing around talking.
L...laughter. Especially of the kid variety, but I'll take any kind.
M...music. I like to listen.
N...Nutritionist. I've learned how to eat. Finally.
O...Obama.
P...pie: pumpkin, apple, peach, cherry. The list goes on.
Q...Quizzes. Because I need to know which '80s song I am.
R...Ross. One of the true joys of life is when your 8 year old "too cool" son wants to sit on your lap and praises your cuddles. God I wish I could stop time.
S...students: a few make up for the many. And thank god.
T...Thanksgiving. Yeah for turkey and a reason to eat mashed potatoes.
U...Utah. Home sweet home.
V...vino. Of all kinds.
W...Writing. Keeps me sane, makes me crazy.
X...too X-rated to say. Let your imagination run wild.
Y...You.
Z...zebras. Why not?

"An Education"

Did I like it? Yes I did.
First, it was set in London. So I was watching, thinking, "Was I there?"
Also, two words: Peter Sarsgaard. Of course a sixteen-year-old girl would throw caution to the wind for him. Of course.
Also: Dominic Cooper. So sexy.
Also: Olivia Williams as the "old maid" school teacher with glasses, no less.
And Sally Hawkins has the smallest role possible, but is still lovely to see.
I quite liked this film, but it was, in many ways, a romance, but the happy ending is not the marriage plot.
Plus, it made me want to rewatch many film versions of Austen films (Dominic Cooper is in the latest BBC "Sense and Sensibility").
Also, I don't get to go to movies very often, especially with Lisa B, so it was a grand day out.
Now, back to reality. Today, rowing and then much grading. Then more grading, and when I'm done with that, still more grading.

Dear Student I Have Not Seen In Three Weeks,

You are failing.
Go away.

Twit

I deleted it. Like anyone cares. If you have TV things to say, say them.

Success

...it furthers one to cross the great waters.
Or something like that. It's a quote I'm misremembering from the I Ching, back when I believed that if I threw coins it could tell me something about myself. I don't disbelieve it now, maybe I just believe it a little less. Or, maybe, I want to believe it.
I wrote 2,000 words today.
After my last post, complaining that I couldn't do it all, I did work out today and I even went to Costco and bought various forms of protein and then I cooked a turkey breast (btw, SUPER complicated: you cut open the package, plop it in a dish and put it in the oven). And then I made myself lunch and took a shower. And then I wrote.
Then I picked up the kid from school, drove the carpool, did a little more grocery shopping (what is it about the words "almond milk" that cause that item to drop off my list the moment I walk into a store? Is it because I'm stupid?) came home, surfed the internet for 15 minutes, then I wrote for another hour and then I "made dinner" (made quinoa: boil water, add quinoa; steamed broccoli: boil water, cut up broccoli, put broccoli in pan; cut up turkey I had already cooked; poured chocolate soymilk into glass: Wala! I'm mother of the year!).
Then we watched "Community" and Son had a snack of health food store toaster pastries.
Then I sat on the couch with Son and we both read Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. I finished mine! Then I watched "Waitress." Why can movies have happy endings and not be sappy? Or, are they sappy and we just don't mind? And by "we" I mean "me." I mean, I don't mind.
So that's my "I'm Superwoman and don't you fucking forget it" Day.
Did I mention that MB did all the dishes and a shitload of laundry? I'm sure that had something to do with it. Also, who cares what we have for dinner? I mean, I got all the food groups in there. Plus dessert that comes in little foil packets. That, my friends, is the secret to happiness. Whatever it is, it's just fine.

Too Much

MB suggests I am doing too much. This is after a crazy workout at Crossfit, one that left me tired (I went home and laid down for one hour) and too sore to type. Yeah, I was too sore to work on my novel.
Maybe, MB suggests, you shouldn't try to: teach full-time, keep up this crazy workout schedule, be a Mom, run, be social, etc., especially when I have trouble sleeping, which I do.
Maybe.
Maybe it's my crazy workout schedule (Monday: off; Tuesday: Crossfit; Wednesday: run; Thursday: Crossfit; Friday: run; Saturday: Kettlebell class; Sunday: run). But, sometimes I don't run on Wednesday, sometimes I go to Crossfit or do nothing.
Maybe it's my sleep schedule (go to bed around 11, get up around 7). Sometimes I wake up before 6 and just lay there, my mind busily spinning with the things I need to accomplish. Sometimes I fall back to sleep. More often, I don't.
What is this too much of which he speaks? Is it just the human condition that we try to do more than we actually can? Is this an affliction of the working/writing Mom? Is this an affliction of the woman of 2009? It's not enough to be a writer or to be a Mom, I also have to be in shape and awesome?
I have to say, I like to work out, it's good for stress, though sometimes it causes stress. My workout buddies are my social group, my friends. If I didn't work out with them, I wouldn't see them. Sad!
But what about writing? I will finish the novel this year and I think I can work out AND work on my novel.
In my opinion, it's all the grading that intrudes on my writing time. That, and napping when I can't hold my hands up long enough to type a word. There is that.

The Next Thing

I'm looking for the Next Thing. Have you seen it? This is the thing that will help me sleep past 5 AM, the thing that will quiet my asking mind, that will pick me up and calm me down. I am looking for free house cleaning and free massage and free will. I am looking for more and less. I am looking.
Also, this next thing must be affordable, sugar free, approximate. It must be close, accessible, desirable. It must be like a kitten and a lion. It must be.
Perhaps the next thing is next. It is next, and so, waiting, it will arrive. Or, fleeting, it must be pursued. One of these is true.
The next thing exists only in dreams, in sleeping, in thought.
The next thing is not here now, and so must be next, and so must be deferred and so never.
Never, never next thing.

Interview

Do you run because you love it or because you are afraid?
Both.

Do you find that Crossfit influences other parts of your life?
Insufficiently. For example, the facts of weight and strength distribution, the accomplishment of seemingly insurmountable tasks, the lifting of very heavy things over one's head, one would think that such physical manipulations might lead one to the conclusion that other tasks which are, on the surface, easier to accomplish would seem less daunting, nay! easy, in comparison. But alas, dear readers, this is not the case. Words do not magically appear on the page, nor does time expand and slow, nor does the sun rise earlier or set later. Still, as one who can deadlift and one who can clean AND jerk, one would hope that say, writing a novel would come easily. But nay, it is not to be.

What do you eat?
I eat only the flesh of skinny animals or those that swim or larger animals, but only if they were happy. I eat the apples and the bananas and the shakes that taste like dessert but are really medicine. I eat the eggs and the spinach and the cheese. I eat the yogurt. I eat the honey. I drink the coffee, and yes, it owns me, it is my master, the black elixir that giveth and taketh away the pain.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
There is water and a blue sky. The shine during the day is bright and of the sun; at night, small fires. Sometimes there is wine, often chocolate. During the day, Spanish is spoken and at night there is silence. There are tastes of smoke and the sea, the strong scent of pine and rain.

And what about tomorrow?
Always, I am amazed.

Yesterday?
She said to me, she said, never this and then that, never should, never could have, never no.

What does this word mean?
That word?

And how happiness?
Only there is no doorway, no rooftop, no next. In this, I have seen and know, so it must be.

Well then.
So goodbye.

One of the Sadnesses of Challenge Month

Just now, thinking about making some snack for Son, I became a little heartsick at the thought of not baking things for him...the idea that I can't sit in the breakfast nook with him, eating a homemade cookie and talking about how good they are, knowing I made them, that unlike other cookies, this one had something intangible baked into it, that one of the expressions of feeling is making things, food, for other people. Sadly, much of this food involves flour and sugar.
I know, next month will be different and I can make cookies again, and, more importantly, pie. But just now, just for a minute, I was a little sad.

Quantity vs. Quality

I'm teaching a novel writing class and we are using the No Plot? No Problem! philosophy of shooting for the word count, quality be damned. It's also a kind of variation on Anne Lamott's idea of Shitty First Drafts. Just get it down, you can fix/revise/cut it later.
However.
However, yesterday as I speed-typed my way to 20,000 words (even I, the teacher, am about 4,000 words behind), my novel took a turn for the weird. And by weird, I mean paranormal, maybe, but it could just be first-person delusion. Or, it could have been a weird coincidence. But, my question to you, oh wise and worldly readers, is: do I go with this weird turn? I'm afraid it might mean that when I reach the 50,000 word mark (the goal), that I will have to cut the last half the book and rewrite that.
Or, I could just say, okay, that's weird, but I can rewrite that little chunk later, and go on with the book as if that weird/paranormal/delusional part never happened. (Except I got a good section of description and I could go back and revise it so it's not so important in the overall plot of the book).
My normal philosophy of writing would be to go with it and see where it takes me. I'm worried, however, that this weird turn will make what I am trying to do (an artsy/noir/mystery type thing) into something else (a paranormal mystery/young adult series). Not that the something else is BAD (though it could be terrible) it's just not what I set out to do.
What to do? What to do?
Please help. For now, I'm stuck.

Categories of Men

Now that I'm over 40 (cough, cough), I look around and put males into certain categories. I mean Men that catch my eye for some reason (their pants are falling off, they are cute, they smile at me, they try to chat me up).

1. "I'm old enough to be his mother!"
2. "I'm not old enough to be his mother, but I still couldn't date him, because he doesn't know who George Michael is."
3. "He might be a suitable partner, if MB ever wises up to my insanity and divorces me."
4. "I would make him a nice trophy wife."
   

Fall "Break"

What is the sound of one fall breaking?
If you spend even, say, two hours, or perhaps, say ten, grading, then is it really a "break" or is it, as one colleague claimed, just an opportunity to catch up and, if so, then is it a "break"? Well, is it?
If, for example, you spend the first half-hour of said break trying to decide if you should turn the furnace on, then is it really a "fall" break or have you somehow, rapidly and inexplicably, fallen down a slippery slope that would more appropriately be deemed "winter"? Or, perhaps, is there another season between fall and winter, fwinter, and is that what we should be calling this weather that vacillates, schizophrenically, between hail and sunshine? (and wind, let's not forget the wind, lest it punish us by blowing more, and more hard. Harder.)
What, then, are the approved activities for this fwinter non-break? Grading, sure, that's one. Watching shows (any & all) on Hulu, two. Drinking wine, three (but only for today, because then, lo, the crazy October challenge begins and all fun is banned. Banned!). Hiking with dog? Maybe, if it stops hailing! Four. All indoor exercises, that's five.
I need at least ten things that aren't grading. Movies? Check. Reading? Maybe. But it might be for class. Okay, TV, that's never for class (unless I call it "research"). Dog outings, yes. Trips to Park City? Depends on the weather. Eating out? What with this challenge, let's just say no. Shoving my face with approved food items? Yes. Working out just so I can drink chocolate milk? Hell yes.
Hey, if you are only allowed one vice (chocolate milk....okay, coffee...that's two. And working out, three), you are damned sure going to work it. Or I am. Yes, I mean, I AM.
Now I just have to come up with three fitness goals for the month.
One bright spot? When it strikes midnight on Halloween, I'm going to eat some candy. I get to define "some."
Fall break? What?

Son's First Day of School

This picture is just too good not to post. It shows Son on his first day of school. Can you see his attitude oozing from every pore? It's saying "Mom and Dad, don't embarrass me. Just don't. Stop!" I will always remember his first day of school this way. He looks so handsome in his new shirt. And he hates me.

Update: Son's Stats

Reading: 2 books in 3 days
Eating: so far today, oatmeal, bagel, sausage, eggs & toast. He just asked for a cheeseburger.
Anatomy: at 6 am this morning, "Mom! Look! I have a six-pack. I have a six-pack!"
Education: "Chipmunks are educational!"
Guitar: picked up guitar, just now, to practice "Greensleeves"
Song lyrics: "I'm bankrupting my family with haircuts and polishing my nails." (just for the record, I think the last manicure I got was before my sister's wedding...uh, 5 years ago? How long ago was that?)
Vocabulary: glance, levitating, exasperated (though he doesn't really understand the last one)

Blog as Secret Facebook

I feel I should quit revealing my private life on FB, so that leaves my blog, which I'm coming to think of as a more private facebook, not because it is somewhat anonymous, but because if I post on FB, say, that I ate donuts for breakfast or drank wine AND jack daniels last night, my exercise friends will scold me.
Or, if I post some liberal screed my conservative friends will berate me.
Or if I decry Dan Brown's latest book as the death of the American Novel, someone, no doubt, will find me out as the snob I am. (As if all my diatribes against vampire novels haven't outed me already...)
In short, I think I will have to revert to "professional" FB, which sounds boring, but is probably what it is for anyway.
Which means I'll have to post my after finding-of-Son-and-friend, in the car with the windows rolled up, swearing screed here:
"Get the BLEEP in the BLEEPing car right BLEEPing now!!!! Where the BLEEP were you? You stay in the BLEEPing front yard! If I ever BLEEPing find you BLEEPing in the BLEEPing alley, I'll BLEEPing kill you. Do you BLEEPing understand? Do you?"
Or something like that.
It's not pretty. But as I told Son last night, love isn't pretty. Nor is parenting.

Overheard from the back seat

"Smell this book. Doesn't it smell good? It smells like the used bookstore. I love the smell of books!"

Why I am Unfriending You

Dear Person Who is My Facebook Friend, But Whom I Don't Really Know and with Whom, it has now become painfully clear, I Have Nothing in Common,

I don't know why we're friends. It's not that I don't like you, because clearly I did like you, at one time, maybe more than 20 years ago. Or maybe I never really liked you and never really knew you, but somehow found you again after lo these many years, and then somehow felt guilty that I didn't know you or that I was judging the now-you based on the old-you and so I accepted your friend request, or I saw you on a friend's page and thought "Hey, that who's it. I should send a friend request." Because we all know that more friends are better, right? If I have a lot of friends that somehow makes me a good person, better, say, than those other people who have less friends.
But now, now it has become clear that not only do I not really know you, I don't think, actually, that I DO like you. In fact, I think I dislike you. Not, as you might suspect, because you leave snarky and judgmental comments on my supposedly humorous political posts. Not, as you might fear, because I am a censoring communist that wants to take away your guns and your right to talk about your guns. Not, as you might posit, because I don't want to hear the voice of dissent.
No, actually, it's because I'm tired. Tired of the political climate in which the only way people can disagree is to call each other names like Nazis or communists. Tired of a culture in which the President wanting to talk to schoolchildren is suspect. Tired of people who say they believe in the Constitution when they don't, actually, know what it says.
Yes, I have to say. Some of the people who disagree with me ARE stupid and racist. I just didn't know that you were one of them.
Now, I realize, Facebook really should just be a place where I update everyone on what I'm eating and my workout routine.
For all these reasons and more, oh so much more, I am unfriending you.

Go Clijsters!

I used to admire, and sometimes like, the Williams sisters. I was rooting for Kim Clijsters anyway, mostly because I love a comeback (especially by a mom). But, as one commenter at the New York Times said, this incident proves why Serena is an impossible person to root for. Venus has always been the classier sister, and I feel sad that Serena had to fall this way. I admire her tennis skills, but I have lost my respect for her.

A Little from Column A, A Little from Column B

The answer to yesterday's question is : Yes. It is both lack of sleep and reality that have caused me stress.
Today I ran, fast, and then I went to Crossfit. Then I worked with the grade school students and then I taught my students. Actually, I lectured, then I yelled (they hadn't done the reading).
Now I'm getting ready for bed.
But it seems Obama's speech was positive. Son's teacher taught his class the sign for "responsibility" and they had a talk about what that meant. I think I should ask her to have that talk with my students.
Yawn.

Lack of Sleep? Or Reality?

Now that two weeks of school are over and done, and the third about to begin, I must confess I feel a bit sick, sort of a nauseous-anxiety-dread. Also, I must confess that the last two nights I have slept very little, both nights because of, perhaps, too much food + red wine, and also, last night at least, because crazy Gus kept whining/coughing.
So what is causing my nausea-anxiety-dread? Is it simply a lack of sleep? Will I wake up tomorrow thinking that the world is peachy keen and that all one needs in life is a balance of waking and sleeping time?
Or...or, dear readers, is the confluence of lack of sleep mixing noxiously with Obama education-speeching hysteria & Glenn-Beck Day declaring insanity?
What I'm saying, beloved ones, is maybe it's NOT just a lack of sleep but a too large dose of reality? I mean, people are hysterical. Mayors are declaring Glenn Beck Day (maybe it's just the one, but that is one too many).
Oh, on this Labor Day, I am a downer.
I will get some rest and check back in with you tomorrow.

Teaching the Night/Novel Class

Good evening. I will now, in so many words, tell you all about the kinds of novels I hope you're NOT writing. That is, the novel about (of course!) vampires, the novel about a world that seems suspiciously like the world of Harry Potter/Stephen King/Shannon Hale/Twilight/The Lord of the Rings/all the science fiction books you've ever read.
You want to write witty banter? Hurrah! You like Kilgore Trout? Even better! Your favorite novel is Lolita? Huzzah! (Okay, yes, there are at least three readers in the class. Out of 28).
Yes, we all want to marry Mr. Darcy. But he doesn't exist. So now what?
No, that doesn't mean we move to Mars and write about unicorns. Absolutely not.
What? Your novel is about a teenage girl who kills with her mind? You are dismissed.
Please do not talk about Twilight. Or werewolves. Zombies are acceptable.
Yes, I like Luna Lovegood too.
What? You can't name a novel you like? Only a movie? I will close my eyes and make you disappear.
What? Does the novel have to be made up? You mean, fiction? Is a novel fiction? Is that really your question?
Excuse me. Class is now over.

Some Observations on the Recent Aquirement of the Cell Phone

1. The only person who calls me on it? Middlebrow.
2. Revise that: Middlebrow and Jane, my running partner. She texts to say, "Where are you? Why are you sleeping in?"
3. Is it really necessary? Middlebrow called me from the car to tell me he was on his way home. I imagined that he was, but then he called and so I knew for sure. Did I need to know?
4. Revise that: Verizon also sent me a text (or txt, I know!) to tell me I could manage my bill on line. Great!
5. Revise that: I also got a call from various friends of Son or their parents to arrange play dates.
6. The cell phone is a play date arranging device.
7. To wit: I arrange play dates for Son, and running engagements for myself, which are really just adult exercise versions of play dates.
8. Revise that: A colleague called to say she couldn't come over because her dog passed away.
9. Is the cell phone a bad news delivery system? Do I need it in case bad things happen? For the inevitable bad things that will happen?
   
10. Revise that: I also got a solicitation call. For Middlebrow.
11. The only thing wrong with having my cell phone number be our old land line number is that I still get those "Want to give us money?" calls. And all the calls that are for all of us. Middlebrow gets only calls for himself, and some guy named Lee who used to have the phone number and is/was apparently a deadbeat.
12. I think the idea is that my family will call me on it and I will call my family. So far, we've emailed each other to that effect, but no calls have taken place. I blame this on the beginning of the school year.
13. I forget to turn it on, I forget to turn it off, I forget to charge it. So far, it has not rung in class, while I'm teaching, so I consider that a bonus.
14. I don't ever want to get email on my cell phone.
    
15. Revise that: I think my mom called me. Once.
    

Am I The Only Sane One? Scary!

Sometimes, sometimes when I observe humanity, sometimes I think, "Am I the only sane one?"
To wit:
I like people. I like to hang out & laugh. That seems normal, right? Why do some people not like this?
I like to watch TV.
I like to waste time.
I love my husband. He's the only one I date/have sex with. Is this TMI? I apologize, but I'm afraid the world has gone crazy, with people having sex with not-their-partners or going on dates with same.
Really, crazy Avenues real estate people? Really? You're asking $730,000? Haven't you heard? We're having a recession. I'm sure you were invited.
I like tequila. Is that so wrong?
It seems like being extreme is in. Extreme diets (only one meal a day, only 500 calories, only blue food), extreme sports (run 100 miles in the dark, jump out of a helicopter, whatever), extreme positions (Glenn Beck is sane, we don't need universal health care). Why can't we just be moderate? Why can't we be like, I like to run just 5 miles and then eat. I like to have a beer too and then watch some TV on Hulu. This is my ideal life.
Sometimes, just to be crazy, I drink something with HFCS in it.
Wacky!!

Some Questions

1. If an administrator speaks in an empty gym, does it make a sound?
2. Isn't critical thinking a skill? Isn't it?
3. Does absolute tequila corrupt absolutely?
4. What is the exact weight, in tons, of the unreadable texts I will read this semester?
5. If exercise doesn't make you thin (thanks Time magazine!), then does eating not make you fat?
6. And, if so, how many cookies do I need to eat?
7. Aren't all vegetable calories good? Like all those beets and that metric ton of tomatoes I ate?
8. When's the next vacation?
9. What's my theme song?
   
10. How many days until the semester ends?
11. What? It hasn't actually started yet?
    
12. Shit.
    

How am I shallow? Let me count the ways: An end of summer catch all list

1. Can't be bothered to listen to NPR any more...too depressing! It's KRCL all the time, except when I'm flipping to the country station, just for a sec, or to classic rock, but only if it's Rick Springfield.
2. Can't be bothered to actually set up the on-line portion of my on-line class. Too busy....uh, something...
3. Can't be bothered to crack the text books for class I have never taught before. Yeah, I've already read it, like, two years ago.
4. Umm, is that coffee? Yum...coffee.
5. Have you heard about my knee? First, when I walked, it was mobster pain, two guys with baseball bats and part of me begging, would you please hit me in the head and put me out of my misery? Ouch.
6. My knee is 90% better. Maybe 99%.
7. I soooo hope that Juliette Lewis (opening for Cat Power opening for the Pretenders) is a train wreck. Train. Wreck. That would be soooo entertaining.
   
8. Do I need to wear mascara on the first day of class? Discuss.
9. I saw on a magazine cover that Bradley was dating Renee and not Jennifer and I actually cared for, like, ten seconds.
   
10. I haven't even started worrying about how my new syllabus increases my grading load.
11. You know those emails that students send saying "what books do I need for your class?" or "where does our class meet?" I've taken to responding to them with the same tone they have written them, except I edit out all the swear words that my brain tells me to type. For example, one response, unedited, would have looked like this: "Check the fucking bookstore, idjit!"
12. Oh, I feel much better now. I think I'll go get my eyebrows waxed.
    

Son, Sun, Sedona

In Which I Become a Local Food Facist

My problem, lately (hey, you know me, I has problems...), is that when I read a book, I become a convert to its perspective (exhibit 1: Born to Run; perspective: we were made to run, probably barefoot).
Now I am reading The Omnivore's Dilemma and I haven't cried while reading a book since Plainsong which, my friends, was years ago. But reading the description of steer 534's pathetic life at a corporate factory feedlot nearly brought me to tears. My first act: emailing my local beef connection and ordering many pounds of local, grass-fed beef to fill my freezer.
Today I went to the Farmer's Market and purchased more local veggies and fruit. My favorite: the Sheriff's Horticulture Program, with food grown by prisoners. Last year, I got some great peppers there.
My sister and I bought local pastries (Crumb Brothers), local breakfast burritos (Rico's), some beautiful golden beets, a delicious melon, and lots of other stuff. We could barely carry it all.
I am afraid I will become insufferable when discussing food, at least for the foreseeable future. Please forgive me in advance.