Saturday, January 23, 2010

How To Party: The Crossfit Version

Having attended my first "real" Crossfit party, I now have a greater understanding of how to approach this beast, which is part entertainment, part athletic event. Here are some guidelines for those of you who may not have had the pleasure yet. This will help you know what to expect.

  1. Wear loose fitting pants, NOT because you are going to eat a lot, but because, at some point, someone will start doing a Crossfit exercise, pistols or burpees, and you will be called on to demonstrate what you do best, whether it be splits or handstand pushups or side crow,. Be prepared.
  2. Study up on military heroes, generals of past wars and obscure celebrities. Why? Because you may be called upon to describe this person in one or more words or to act out this person in a game of charades and this requires that you know who the person is when you read their name on a piece of paper. Just be sure you know which branch of the military is most popular among your Crossfit friends and study that branch. Also, sports heroes who are in the news for sleeping around appear prominently.
  3. Try to understand the nuances of all the different diets your friends are on. There's the paleo, the green face, the Zone, and variations of each wherein people eat no grains or some grains or no dairy or some dairy or no chocolate or some chocolate. Or just say fuck it and bring a big bag of Doritos and some beer (FYI: Doritos and beer are not paelo or zone or warrior).
  4. Bring your drinkin' stomach. You know that one person who kicks your ass every day at the gym? He/she can also drink you under the fucking table. Believe you me.
  5. After you have consumed more alcoholic beverages in more categories than you thought possible, be prepared for the feats of strength. These can include, but are not limited to: indian leg wrestling, burpees, push ups, handstand push ups and various body contortions that may or may not be based on yoga. The alcohol you consumed will help you relax into whatever uncomfortable positions you may find yourself in after getting beat down by your opponents.
  6. For every alcoholic beverage, drink two glasses of water. This may apply to all parties, but is especially important in this case, because no matter how much you drank, everyone will expect to see you at the gym, bright and early.
  7. Take some fish oil before you go to sleep. This applies to all nights, not just the one of the party. But after the party it might help you forget the injuries you sustained in the feats of strength.
  8. The next day, photos of you will appear. So just be sure that when you take off your shirt to display your guns, you know where all the cameras are.

7 comments:

evf said...

I am extremely intimidated in all respects. Thanks for letting me know what I've been missing. :)

Nik said...

We used to leg wrestle. And drink martinis. Perhaps we were in training for training.

dave said...

If only I had read this post before the party, i wouldn't have woken up feeling like i got run over by a flippin' dump truck. good times!!

radagast said...

Waiting for photos . . .

will said...

all yin, no yang

Ryoko said...

I really really love your Crossfit party observation since I was one of attendees. Specially, #1 and #3. (I am not sure about Fish Oil #7. Where that come from>)
Only CrossfitNRG people can party debating your favorite WOD. (Also, your flourless chocolate cake was to die for!)

Antistrophe said...

Hilarious!