Hello World!

Since I have given up the FB, I am going to try to blog instead.
I look back on our blogging heyday (yes, OUR) with great nostalgia. I feel like I can be long-winded and go on and on and also I can say whatever I want. And also there is less snark on the blog, perhaps because there are fewer comments?
In any case, as soon as the insanity that is the last few weeks of class is OVER, then I will be blogging with wild abandon.
ABANDON.
say it with me....

A Small Dose of Nothing

Because in all things I want to be like Hightouch, I am blogging, though I have no breaking news. But, hey, even I can write a list, if the list is the thing to write. Which, apparently, it is.

1. Every day, I think, "This is it! It's all going to come crashing down!" And by "it" I mean, the end, how can we go on this way? But, apparently, we can, go on this way, I mean, so it goes on and we go with it, like a child being dragged by a very strong dog. But hey, it can't go on like this forever. CAN IT???
2. I finished a draft of one novel (regular, literary fiction); am now making chapter outline for almost finished novel (written before other novel, mystery!!). My other novel (yes, that makes three) is out with some small publishers who have been silent, so that probably means no. But I have almost three manuscripts, so that can't be bad...can it?
3. Meditating on the nature of empathy and sympathy. You don't want to hear about it, but it involves an argument with Middlebrow and the idea that some of us should just "buck up." Hey, I'm all for bucking, but sometimes isn't feeling bad justified? And can't we empathize with those who are feeling bad and even, maybe, feel bad on their behalf even if they are feeling bad about first world problems? Empathy can't be a bad thing, can it?
4. So there's the theme...can it? The rhetorical question that actually, right now, from me, requires an answer. What is one to do in such perilous times?
5. I find myself turning away from news, reading books about alternate universes, fantasizing about living in a cabin right by a lake where there is no internet service but there is a canoe. That's my mental state right now. 
6. I think the answer is NO. As in no, it can't go on forever; no, it's not bad that you have three unpublished manuscripts; no, empathy isn't bad. And no, there's nothing wrong about indulging my escape fantasies.
7. The end. 

On Writing

Now that I am trying to be more regimented about my sabbatical writing, I sat down and wrote out a few things, long hand, in a notebook.
Later, I discovered a few stories I had written last summer, and I "fell in a hole" by which I mean I read them and that took some time.
But then, then!, I started a new story with these same characters and I wrote quite a bit on that.

All this to say that I should be/want to work on my non-fiction project, but I find it much easier to work on the novel, because I can just write whatever.

But! part of my research was looking up hit songs from my past, and so I give you this list:
Dancing Queen, ABBA
Grease
My Sharona,The Knack
TUSK, Fleetwood Mac
Jessie's Girl, Rick Springfield
Jack & Diane, John Cougar
Missing You, John Waite
Careless Whisper, Wham!
Broken Wings, Mr. Mister

I look forward to see what writing might be inspired by this titles....

I still have a Blog!

You guys, I still have a blog!
Which sits here, dormant, like a piece of white paper that, for some reason, is growing mold.
BUT
Poetry Month will soon be upon us and Hightouch and myself made a somewhat informal pact to revive our Poem A Day project during Poetry Month, which is April.
So, I decided I would write a poem a day but BY HAND. That's right. Like, in a notebook and shit.
With that in mind, I decided having a daily writing project (a la Hightouch) is a good idea. I have been Facebooked into brevity, but, my dear readers, I have more to say.
Yes, I will not be contained in a mere Status Update.
No, my words will be many and my sentences will be convoluted.
I HAVE ALL THE BEST WORDS.

and out

Writing on Writing: More Writing!

I have been inspired by Hightouch to try to blog...at least a little bit.....
But, alas, what to say?
Firstly I have to say that this semester is a motherfucker. (Pardon my swearing! I like to swear!). What is the nature of this M-Fness? Hard to say.
Mother Fucker Nature, let me list you:

1. Teaching a New Class: This is not as hard as it sounds, but harder than it should be. For some reason, I have these little over achievers submitting writing to me constantly. CON-STANT-fucking-LY. Whose idea was this? Mine, apparently.
2. Working on Committees. If there is a BANE to any existence it is the creation and subsequent meeting of this and or that committee. One may actually love some of their compatriots on this committee but that does nothing to dull the mind-numbingness of just the sheer fucking actuality of BEING on a committee. Enough said.
3. Writing. Am I writing? Hells no. But I have forced myself to write for fifteen minutes each night for say the last week. So I have done _some_ writing. (If I could make the font of the word "writing" smaller so as to indicate how little I do, I would). 
4. Anxiety. This, friends, is the hobgoblin of little minds. Namely, mine. I worry the shit out of everything. This, however, does not prevent me from watching more TV than is perhaps advisable, and, somehow I manage NOT to worry while actually watching TV (and maybe drinking wine, I won't lie...) but watching TV does not make the anxiety go away. It just distracts it for a bit. What is this anxiety about? Not working on my novel. But, hey, whatever.
5. TV: I watch some/bit/a lot of TV. To wit: Brooklyn 99 (Andy Samberg, what what?); New Girl (not as good as it used to be, but Schmidt! He does Crossfit!); The Mindy Project (um, hello?? hilarious, also Morgan!); Modern Family (tight suit!); Parks and Rec (please don't talk to me about the small number of episodes before I have to wait until January....); Continuum (netflix). I think that's it....

And so, friends, my fifteen minutes comes to a close. If you want to know what else I am up to, re: thinking, I will just say sonnets, earthquakes, Pangaea. You're going to have to do the rest of the work yourself. 

(Did I mention my neck is fucked up? My neck is fucked up! Tomorrow: massage!!)

AWP redux: Boston!

I have (very) recently returned from Boston, the land of snow & chowdah. & lobstah & some writers.
First let me say that I did not sleep either very much or very well, so my disposition on returning home is cloudy (inside the head). But, I am glad to be home and I am also glad I went.

1. Number of meals/etc. with Nikwalk: 3-ish? One might have been drinks that bled into dinner, so maybe I could count that as two? Whatever the answer, it was awesome!! But I could've handled more. 
2. Stuff learned: some. I got some good ideas for my novel writing class and I learned some things about Book Arts, which is relevant to the Publication Class I'm teaching now. The other panels were sort of blah ho hum.
3. Number of readings attended: Three. It seems like more. Don DeLillo. He is awesome. As Lisa B. said, he is like someone's old Italian grandfather. He seems like a reclusive curmudgeon with a dry sense of humor. I could have listened to him talk for hours. The person he "conversed" with was interesting, but I found her fiction too detailed. It reminded me of the Lynn Emanuel poem where she says she doesn't want to write fiction because she doesn't want to describe the carpet. I want to write fiction and also not describe the carpet
4. Best thing ever: Jeanette Winterson. I felt like I was at a TED talk. She walked around and read and took off her glasses and used interesting voices. She talked about how important art is, and I love that. Also she is petite and she seemed really friendly.
5. Best meal: I don't know. I'm too tired to think about it. I think I liked the tapas at Toro best, because you know I am a sucker for tapas.
6. Most overrated thing: Bone Marrow. What is that about? Sorry, Nik.
7. Best thing in life: sleep.
8. Best excursion: MFA. I love art! It made me remember that I need to be more involved with art at home. I got to see one of my favorite paintings, Millet's "The Sower." So I'm happy about that.
9. I have some good stories to tell, but you'll have to see me in person to hear those. 

What HAVE I been doing?

Every day feels packed with activity, but when I look back and reflect on what I have done the past month....umm.....what?

Plus Hightouch blogs the list with such linguistic proficiency, I thought I'd just do the list, because you know, it's a list.

1.     So I guess I've been working on a novel, off and on, for almost 2 months and I haven't yet reached the 50,000 word mark, but, hey, I'm giving myself...more time.

2.     We went to Boulder, Utah for the long weekend (remember that long weekend?). We stayed at Boulder Mountain Ranch (highly recommended), went to our favorite coffee place (Kiva Koffeehouse), saw some slot canyons (I'm too much of a baby (claustrophobic) to actually go in them, but most others did), ate some bacon, went to an architect's cool house & had ribs (yum!!), did a hike, then drove home in a rain/hail storm (what?!).

3.     Reading: a disappointing Icelandic mystery (not by my beloved), a few good books (Rae's new book; I Think I Love You; Ross MacDonald; Box of Matches); the newspaper, etc.

4.     Eating and Drinking: I like wine and I think summer is made for drinking.

5.     Started an eating/exercising challenge:  because I thought I needed to start drinking less and doing other things more, like taking daily walks, stretching, and making sure I ate enough. So far, mixed results. I probably do drink less, over all, but on a few days I still drank a lot (I blame my wine friends), and I can never quite eat the right amount of blocks (Zone alert!). But, I have been pretty active and I am stretching...more.

6.     Started running again: two runs. That's a start.

7.     Had my body fat tested. Ask me what my body fat percentage is. Go ahead, ask me.

8.     Crossfit. This goes without saying. 

9.     Submitted one essay to one place. Again, it's a start.

10. Hey, I finally organized the Crossfit Women Trainers get together. That's something.

11. I did some (very little!) yard work.

12. I've cleaned my house a gajillion times for people who want to come look at our house, which is for sale.

13. Finally trying to do some personal maintenance: brows. Today a haircut, tomorrow a pedicure. Progress!

14. Swimming: once, but still.

15. Independent study with 3 students: this is only one hour a week, but still, somehow, it feels like more.

16. Staring into space: I'm good at this.

17. Ushering Son through his last days of school: this seems like it would be easy, but involved a lot more driving around than expected.

18. Baseball: Son has like 12 games a week (exaggeration!) plus practice, so I have to sit and talk to my friends while he makes excellent plays at first (go Son!), which is, you know, super taxing.

19. Cooking things that really take no cooking: like carrot sticks and tuna.

20. I saw a movie!

21. I told Son he could have a sleepover, so now I'm preparing for that: buying lots of vodka for self-medication.  

What Children Make Possible

I have a guest blog up over at my friend Rae's blog.
You can read it here.

What is good about Now?

Well, one thing is that since the semester has started, I don't have to fret about what might happen, because it's already happening.
What, you might ask, is that?
Well, first, the students are finally settling down into their roles as students. You know, the I'm going to ask the difficult question and try to pin you down student. The Why do you think you know so much about writing student. The I'm going to come, but you can't make me work student. The tell me more about your personal life student. The You are to blame for my shortcomings student. And the we love you no matter what because you are just a little bit funny and very sarcastic and seem to be looking down at us, oh, just a little bit students. Those last ones are my favorites.
Also, I am almost, maybe getting into a routine which involves exercise AND writing. But no grading. Well, I might have to work on that last one.
And, speaking of routines, it is now time for me to drive to the school of Son and pick him up, along with his trusty sidekick, whom I will call The Laugher because he laughs at every thing Son says, does or implies.
And with that, I'm off!

On Writing and Exercise Addiction

So the problem with Facebook...okay, you're right, ONE of the problems with Facebook...is that everybody knows what you're doing. So say, if you, meaning me, if I am working out a lot every body knows it. Nothing wrong there, right? It keeps me connected to my Crossfit buddies, keeps me honest.

However. Right. However...

Then, when one goes out, meaning me...one gets asked, "How's your writing going?" And then if one says, well, you know...it's not great. I don't really have time to write..you know, the grading. Then. Then my friends, you know, the asker, the asker says, "Well, you have time to work out. You're always lifting weights and running." To which one says what? What, I ask, does one say?

Well. What I did say was, "Well, working out is social! It's fun! And writing...." I trailed off.

And then today, after working out (note: not writing) I felt great. I felt high. I felt amazing. And I thought, how often does writing make me feel great? I've felt great after writing maybe two times, maybe three times that I can remember. Most of the time writing makes me feel inadequate and sub par. Less than. Terrible. Affirmation that I am, in fact, not a very good writer. I would say 9 out of 10 writing sessions make me feel adequate or less than.

But Crossfit. Well. The opposite. I would say 9 out of 10 workouts make me feel great. I say after each workout, Wow! I lifted that! I did 35 deadlifts and 35 hang cleans and 35 front squats and 32 push jerks. That's amazing. I kick ass. And I feel good all day.

So today, I did find an hour. And I wrote in a coffee shop. I wrote about 1,500 words. Not bad. I went back over the stuff I had written and it wasn't bad. But did I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins? No. Did I feel like I had just accomplished great things? Sort of.

Writing my friends, is a lonely, lonely business. It's not social, and it has very few (if any) immediate rewards.

The key, I guess, to repeat myself, is balance. Can't I do both? Can't I Crossfit and write? And can't I keep updating my FB status with workout stats? Please?

Success

...it furthers one to cross the great waters.
Or something like that. It's a quote I'm misremembering from the I Ching, back when I believed that if I threw coins it could tell me something about myself. I don't disbelieve it now, maybe I just believe it a little less. Or, maybe, I want to believe it.
I wrote 2,000 words today.
After my last post, complaining that I couldn't do it all, I did work out today and I even went to Costco and bought various forms of protein and then I cooked a turkey breast (btw, SUPER complicated: you cut open the package, plop it in a dish and put it in the oven). And then I made myself lunch and took a shower. And then I wrote.
Then I picked up the kid from school, drove the carpool, did a little more grocery shopping (what is it about the words "almond milk" that cause that item to drop off my list the moment I walk into a store? Is it because I'm stupid?) came home, surfed the internet for 15 minutes, then I wrote for another hour and then I "made dinner" (made quinoa: boil water, add quinoa; steamed broccoli: boil water, cut up broccoli, put broccoli in pan; cut up turkey I had already cooked; poured chocolate soymilk into glass: Wala! I'm mother of the year!).
Then we watched "Community" and Son had a snack of health food store toaster pastries.
Then I sat on the couch with Son and we both read Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. I finished mine! Then I watched "Waitress." Why can movies have happy endings and not be sappy? Or, are they sappy and we just don't mind? And by "we" I mean "me." I mean, I don't mind.
So that's my "I'm Superwoman and don't you fucking forget it" Day.
Did I mention that MB did all the dishes and a shitload of laundry? I'm sure that had something to do with it. Also, who cares what we have for dinner? I mean, I got all the food groups in there. Plus dessert that comes in little foil packets. That, my friends, is the secret to happiness. Whatever it is, it's just fine.

Too Much

MB suggests I am doing too much. This is after a crazy workout at Crossfit, one that left me tired (I went home and laid down for one hour) and too sore to type. Yeah, I was too sore to work on my novel.
Maybe, MB suggests, you shouldn't try to: teach full-time, keep up this crazy workout schedule, be a Mom, run, be social, etc., especially when I have trouble sleeping, which I do.
Maybe.
Maybe it's my crazy workout schedule (Monday: off; Tuesday: Crossfit; Wednesday: run; Thursday: Crossfit; Friday: run; Saturday: Kettlebell class; Sunday: run). But, sometimes I don't run on Wednesday, sometimes I go to Crossfit or do nothing.
Maybe it's my sleep schedule (go to bed around 11, get up around 7). Sometimes I wake up before 6 and just lay there, my mind busily spinning with the things I need to accomplish. Sometimes I fall back to sleep. More often, I don't.
What is this too much of which he speaks? Is it just the human condition that we try to do more than we actually can? Is this an affliction of the working/writing Mom? Is this an affliction of the woman of 2009? It's not enough to be a writer or to be a Mom, I also have to be in shape and awesome?
I have to say, I like to work out, it's good for stress, though sometimes it causes stress. My workout buddies are my social group, my friends. If I didn't work out with them, I wouldn't see them. Sad!
But what about writing? I will finish the novel this year and I think I can work out AND work on my novel.
In my opinion, it's all the grading that intrudes on my writing time. That, and napping when I can't hold my hands up long enough to type a word. There is that.

Quantity vs. Quality

I'm teaching a novel writing class and we are using the No Plot? No Problem! philosophy of shooting for the word count, quality be damned. It's also a kind of variation on Anne Lamott's idea of Shitty First Drafts. Just get it down, you can fix/revise/cut it later.
However.
However, yesterday as I speed-typed my way to 20,000 words (even I, the teacher, am about 4,000 words behind), my novel took a turn for the weird. And by weird, I mean paranormal, maybe, but it could just be first-person delusion. Or, it could have been a weird coincidence. But, my question to you, oh wise and worldly readers, is: do I go with this weird turn? I'm afraid it might mean that when I reach the 50,000 word mark (the goal), that I will have to cut the last half the book and rewrite that.
Or, I could just say, okay, that's weird, but I can rewrite that little chunk later, and go on with the book as if that weird/paranormal/delusional part never happened. (Except I got a good section of description and I could go back and revise it so it's not so important in the overall plot of the book).
My normal philosophy of writing would be to go with it and see where it takes me. I'm worried, however, that this weird turn will make what I am trying to do (an artsy/noir/mystery type thing) into something else (a paranormal mystery/young adult series). Not that the something else is BAD (though it could be terrible) it's just not what I set out to do.
What to do? What to do?
Please help. For now, I'm stuck.

New Year's Resolutions: A Review

Here are my resolutions from last year, with a recap:

1. Go to bed earlier. (sleep is good!) *I don't think I accomplished this*
   
2. Exercise more. (Swimming, Running, Yoga) *This I definitely have accomplished. Recently*
   
3. Worry less. *Still unsuccessful on this front*
   
4. Ski this winter. *I did ski, but I want to ski more this year*
   
5. Be nicer. *I tried. Not sure if I succeeded. Maybe?*
   
6. Be more patient. *No*
   
7. Write more. *More? Maybe? Probably not*
   
8. Read more. *Yes. Successful on this one.*
   
9. Watch less TV. *No.*
   
10. See more movies in the theater. (this one seems doable!) *Yes. I accomplished this*

So, all in all more success than not. This year, I'll limit myself to five.

1. Sleep. (sound familiar?)
2. Do a triathlon.
3. Write. (ie: finish The Novel)
   
4. Read.
5. Hang out with friends (dinners, movies, etc.)

I think getting rid of "more" insures success on the resolution front. And I'm all for success.

David Foster Wallace

I know there are many people blogging about David Foster Wallace and that it will happen for a long time. Here is an excellent remembrance from NPR.
I wasn't the hugest fan of his fiction, though I liked much of it. But I love his non-fiction, especially "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again."
Here's a link to one of his stories from The New Yorker. And a link to his essay on Roger Federer from the New York Times.
But my overwhelming response, besides sadness for another human being and writer, is a question.
Is it possible to be a successful writer, a wildly productive one, and still be a happy, normal (not just seemingly normal) person?
Unfortunately, the longer I live the more the answer seems to be no. And not just no, but NO!

Recent Obsessions

1. Robyn: Swedish pop star. Why? Unknown. I heard about her on Fresh Air, and then I downloaded her music for running. My favorite is "Be Mine!" She swears a lot. As in "I should have seen it comin'/ I should have F*@%in' known." But somehow it's more powerful when I'm sitting on the couch, drinking white wine, surfing the net while Son plays with the neighbors.
2. Bald Men: Is it just me getting older or are bald men getting sexier? Or is that sexy men are getting balder? Witness one Michael Chiklis, who has been sexy for awhile. Bruce Willis is sexy when bald. But isn't he just sexy? (Don't think about his politics! which may be suspect!) I know there are others, but mind has just gone blank. I'll get back to you on this one.
   
3. Wasatch Back Relay: Why the fuck am I doing this? Okay, I know why. Because one agrees to be part of a team, and then one has to. I haven't been training enough and I've been drinking too much wine and eating too much, but what the hell. I'll finish. I know I will, because I have to, and, if nothing else, I have a strong sense of obligation. And also, I have learned in the years I have been me, I'm mentally strong even if I am weak of the flesh.
   
4. My unwritten novel: I think I'll write a book called The Novel I'm Not Writing. Then at least I'd be writing. But Sleepy E is in town, and he of the hypographia gave me a bit of a pep talk (spurred on by Middlebrow). I also got some inspiration from Walter Mosley's book This Year You Write Your Novel. In general, I just need someone to tell me, with infuriating regularity, You can do it. Just do it, you stupid fuckhead. But maybe in a nicer way.
   
5. Chris Noth: this picture. Enough said.
6. Plot: I like mysteries. I want to write a lyrical novel. Who the fuck am I? And why am I swearing so much?
   
7. Other people's sex lives: Do other people have more sex than me? Probably. Do they also have house cleaners and no children or at least nannies and are they having sex with the nanny? Maybe. Are they less neurotic about their non-wage earning "work"? Definitely. Let the dust bunnies reproduce. I'm in the basement "writing."
8. Writing: is the same as number 4? Yes. See number 7 under neurotic.
   
9. Not deserving all the wonderful great fantastic awesome gifts of the universe: do I need to go to therapy again? I haven't got time! See number 7.
   
10. Summer: hiking. going to the pool. not writing. Whatever. It's summer!
    

Waiting: Over!

I received two pieces of good news this week. An embarrassment of riches.
#1: I was selected to go to London next May with the Study Abroad program.
#2: My collection of short stories was accepted by a publisher. I received an email, so it feels slightly unreal, but I trust the author of said email, so I believe in it. But it will feel more real when I get a letter or a contract.
Now I will drink coffee and steep in my good news.

What I've Been Doing (Not that You Wanted to Know...)

• Reading about Writing (This Year You Write Your Novel by Walter Mosley)
• Reading Other Things (textbooks, Pale Fire, blogs)
  
• Writing (or trying to write or at least sitting downstairs at my desk)
• Riding the Train (and reading on the train)
• Seeing Movie ("Made of Honor" yes, I actually saw it & I liked it!)
• Eating (fish tacos that I made, salad, banana muffins)
• Sneezing (while running, sleeping, and so on)
• Not sleeping (is it the allergy medicine?)
• Reading to Son (still on Harry Potter 5, which, magically, seems to be endless)
• Cleaning (who really wants to mop the kitchen floor? But it needs to be done!)
• Doing Laundry (this really is endless!!)
• Exercising (well, I didn't do this Sunday or Monday. But today. Today!)
• Downloading & Listening to Madonna's new album "Hard Candy" (some ridiculousness, such as "my sugar is raw" !? but I laugh every time I hear JT say "Ma-Donna")
  
• Going to the Pool (I took Son to the pool yesterday. The indoor pool. But still.)
• Thinking about packing for Austin
• Signing up for things on-line
• Wondering when my new swimsuit will arrive by mail
• Fretting
• Oh yeah! Being happy about not winning a book contest, but being one of 5 finalists (that's a first for me, being a finalist. The not winning part I've been doing for awhile)
• Dining with friends (that's tonight)
• Going to Austin (on Thursday, so I'm out for at least a week, but if I have wireless at my hotel, I'll blog!)
  

41 Days and Counting

I was surfing ye olde internets this p.m. and found this wonderful image of a Zaha Hadid building in Dubai. It's scheduled to be done in 2010. It's actually three buildings constructed with a hole in the center.
What does this tell us about post-modern skepticism of authority?
Well, hopefully it illustrates something about narrative, because it's going in the talk!
A little less anxious, as I have written maybe three pages. And I got some books from the library!
But I'm still counting down the days. But that doesn't mean I'm not also watching "American Idol." Thank god it's not two hours anymore. That's excessive.
Son thinks David Archuleta is going to win. I told him that I would buy him an ice cream sundae if he did! He probably will. Aside from him, all the boys were a little blah tonight.

Another Long Weekend

Another three-day weekend glimmers on the horizon. To be filled with: kids to watch, Son's Birthday Party, excessive amounts of grading, fiction contest to judge, "Pride and Prejudice" to watch, what else? I'm sure there will be food and drink as well. Melting of the snow, I hope, perhaps an outdoor run. Right now I'm freezing, so that doesn't seem likely.
Today I plan to go work out, have a few meetings, go to the Dollar Store for goodies (for Son's party), buy Son a birthday gift, maybe do some grading. I swear, I've read so much student prose lately (summaries, Vista posts, drafts of stories, rhetorical analyses) that I don't think I would recognize a good idea or well written sentence if one ran up and attacked me with a blunt object. Not that I want to be attacked with a blunt object. It's just...
Time to face the real world. Which means sitting on the couch drinking tea for at least another half an hour.
Happy President's Day weekend! I'll be remembering how, 7 years ago, we spent the weekend in the hospital watching TV, letting people bring us food all day, trying to forget that I had staples in my abdomen. Aah! The good old days.